A side note on Daylight Savings Time: I could not get out of bed ’til about 12:30 or so. Once I realized I lost an hour I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was supposed to go to church today to hear my boyfriend sing at a choir, and I woke up at 7, but I was so tired that I called him and said I couldn’t go. He wasn’t offended. I always get out of whack when it comes to DST.
Now, back to the real purpose of this blog post.
A particular fear consumed me yesterday–I was looking for internships all day and suddenly felt disconcerted. What job am I going to have after I graduate? I don’t really know exactly what I want to do. As an English major, I can see there are plenty of options, but I have no idea what to pursue. I don’t think I can become involved with animation, a silly dream of mine I’ve had since I was a little kid (I’d draw storyboards) because I do not have nor will not pursue an art degree. I took Drawing I last summer and I liked it, but my true love is really cartooning. I don’t wish to separate cartoons from art–that wouldn’t be fair–but I didn’t have the patience for the “fundamentals.” I’d rather leap off into the world of the zany. I’ve thought about authoring a graphic novel, but I know I don’t have enough skill to execute such a project.
I’ve always had an issue with what to pursue in a career. I have varied interests but not enough passion to allow myself to fall into one of them.
I also feel I’m not motivated enough to take part in the internships available. Alex (the aforementioned boyfriend) says this isn’t the case. Okay, fine, I can become a little cutthroat when it comes to assignments and papers, but a job is a different thing. Most of them are 9-5 sort of deals, which I’ve never had experience in. I suppose I feel an increased amount of pressure because a close friend of mine is doing an internship this summer. She’s in the same year as I am, but I feel I’ve fallen behind. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people, even more so my friends, but I don’t want to be left in the dust or revealed to be unaccomplished.
Back to the question (or Avenue Q, if you’re so inclined), The Big Question that has floated around for eons: what is my purpose? What am I supposed to do with my talents? What company am I supposed to work with? Is it possible to go back to a childhood dream? Is it too late to think, maybe I can?
As a writer, I know I don’t write enough; I only have scraps of poetry and nothing really of note to take and create into something bigger. I don’t have experience with stage plays or script-writing, though I have materials to help me. I rehash the same ideas to no avail.
As a cartoonist, I’m certainly unpolished and lack depth. I feel stagnant when I draw the same images. I feel I’m not funny enough. I can’t take a class in comedy, can I? (I bet there are many out there, I just need to look.)
It’s like I’m stuck behind big iron gates and I’m peering in to see the Big Guys: Viacom, Disney. The companies that have shaped my existence through their products and programs. Am I worthy enough to work with them or even more so – change what’s within?
