We, as human beings, are naturally greedy. We ache for the shiny, the expensive, the out-of-reach — we ache for more than what we need.
I am greedy. For one reason or another, I take on much more work than I should in order to take in a wonderful reward in the end, whether it be money or experience.
But I love to work. I enjoy being picky and demanding more, I enjoy challenging myself and putting myself on the edge. But I don’t remember that when it’s 10 minutes to deadline and I haven’t read an article that’s running on the front page.
I enjoy what I do. I am a copy editor for my college paper, and even though the work can be stressful, even though the material I read can be under par (for my tastes, anyway), and even though I know I don’t get paid enough to do what I do (who does?) – I love my work. I love going to my AP Stylebook, my Bible, and looking up terms that need to be capitalized and revising stories written in the passive voice.
It scares me to know I let someone down. I feel like I’ve been doing that lately at my job. I feel I have been under par. I’m trying to tell myself that I cannot be perfect – I am NOT perfect, I will never BE perfect – but it’s so difficult to realize this. I want to carry the world onto my shoulders and tell everyone that it’ll be fine, that I’ll take care of it, but I know (I should know) that I can’t do that.
The upcoming year, right around the corner (next month) – I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m afraid I’ve bitten off much more than I can chew, but it’s all things I want to do. I want to continue at the paper and stay involved with minor politics at my university. I want to start a writing club with a friend. I want to become involved with a new Mac users group too. I have to increase my workload because I entered the Honors College. I want too much. I do too much.
Am I trying to compensate for something else that I don’t have in order to feel accomplished by taking on so much?
Am I following footsteps of my parents – one obviously overworked, the Messiah of the world, the other obsessive and unable to focus on one particular thing?
And don’t get me started on graduate school. Please. That’ll be the next post.
